Where to start…. I think my last post (which was way too long ago) was titled ” Worst Week Ever, ” although in some ways I would like to use that title again, I can’t anymore. Why you ask? Because God has once again proven himself faithful and loving in the midst of doubt, confusion and anger.
Monday- I woke up to Aaron in the bathroom with none other than the stomach bug (which we already had during the holidays). I cried at the thought of having it again and got angry. For those of you that don’t know this… I get angry when people around me get sick, specifically my husband. I don’t get all compassionate and kind and caring, I get angry. I am angry that God “let” us get sick, I get angry at Aaron for not being healthy enough?!? This doesn’t even make sense because he is much healthier then a lot of people I know. I get angry that I might get sick and more so that Evelyn will get sick. I mean we are healthy people, we take our vitamins, probiotics and what not…but as you can guess, getting angry doesn’t help me, Aaron or Evelyn.
In the process of my anger, I have realized a few things… Anger only leads to fear and doubt. Anger entangles you in itself so deeply that you are unable to feel anything else or heal from anything else. Anger basically holds you hostage until you let go of it.
Tuesday- The day is mostly fine, then the evening roles around and I get hit, hard. I’m up till probably 3am (fortunately Aaron can sleep through anything, so he didn’t have to deal with it). I’ve thrown up maybe three times in my whole life, Tuesday was the fourth. Anyways enough of that. Next day I was feeling better, just completely wiped. Aaron went in late to school and let me rest which was an added blessing. By this time you can imagine that I am convinced Evelyn will be next… I mean come on people, I am with the child ALL day long. The anger seems to be fading away (because God finally helped me realize it was pointless and just hurting those I love) and it is a sad fallen world and there is sickness. But the anger is quickly replaced with fear and a feeling that I am fighting sickness and the whole world alone.
Wednesday- I feel much better today, just terrified that Evelyn will get this nasty, horrible thing (it was so sad when she had it before, I almost could not take it). I am constantly cleaning everything and have not let Evelyn even go back into our bedroom or bathroom for fear there might be some lingering germs. That night I have a bit of an emotional melt down. I realize Aaron is leaving the next day for a choir trip and won’t be back until Saturday night. I have convinced myself that Evelyn will get sick while I’m alone. I have completely given into fear and doubt and am questioning why I am praying for her to not get sick, because there is no reason she should not get sick. I shut down my knowledge of God and who he is and what he has done in my life. I ignore the continued times that God has taken care of me, proven himself faithful to me and rescued me. I give into lies thinking that I am by myself in this and that no one really cares… And then… God does what he is so good at, he recuses again. He speaks through people, like my husband, my parents and my friends and restores peace, hope and faith.
Thursday- Aaron heads to work, Evelyn is still happy and healthy. I have successfully used up a whole can of Lysol in 4 days… I’m starting to worry about the fumes possibly being worse than the sickness (not really). We play and watch TV all day long. Evelyn dances and makes cute faces and actually shows signs of learning how to obey. I think the biggest accomplishment of the day was when Evelyn learned how to open the doors in our house. She loves to go throw away her own diapers and so she did and opened the pantry door on the way. We have a lot of fun ahead of us… I have enjoyed being able to keep her out of certain rooms. But alas, all good things come to an end. After trying to take up the day (days are really long when entertaining a toddler, especially when it’s cold and you can’t go outside). The evening wound down nicely and perked up when one of my sweet friends (thank you Rachel!!!) brought Evelyn and I some homemade chicken and veggies (which was great). The meal hit the spot and I didn’t have to cook it I have to remember this when I hear of other people getting sick, you always think about it when people have babies but it is so helpful when you are sick too! Evelyn went down great, after she opened and closed the pantry door about ten times. I got to chill on the couch with some kombucha and a TV show. I am still concerned about Evelyn, praying that she will not get the stomach bug BUT I am no longer fearful and I do feel peace. I am still going out to buy another can of Lysol though and will continue to spray everything down from time to time.
Lessons from this week… God is faithful, he loves us and places certain people in our lives to be a blessing and show us his love. He is not a God of fear, anger or doubt and cannot work in our hearts when these things are present. God desires to comfort us and to take our burdens upon himself but can’t if we won’t let him. God is in control of ALL things. No matter how much we think we can control, God controls more. Sometimes there are no other reasons behind something except the simple fact that God did it, God provided, God healed, God keeps you safe. God wants us to rely on him and if we can always explain why something happened, then we don’t need God.
I am realizing more and more the destruction that these negative attitudes, thoughts and sin can have in your life. I am thankful daily for forgiveness, friends and family and a God who cares about me (and who will be there for me again when I hit the same pitfalls) I hope this encourages some of you out there that might be dealing with some of the same feelings. I don’t recognize my shortcomings or negative tendencies as much as I should and I don’t give God credit as much as I should but here is a little bit of both because I can’t deny God’s work in my life. goodnight and your prayers would be appreciated!